Fuck, the cloud. Like, you know?
Clouds are everywhere. You probably have six or seven of them yourself. Maybe your company has its own cloud that lives in a datacenter somewhere. Maybe you use Amazon's clouds that live in their datacenters. Maybe Google's. Who fucking cares? Everyone has a goddamn cloud these days.
Well we have clouds, too. Shitloads of them. You wouldn't believe how many clouds we have. We don't just have planet-scale clouds. Our clouds are like the damn crab nebula.
Just look at that fucking thing. Do you know how big that is? Do you know how many Earths you can fit in that? That thing is 5 light years across. You can probably fit at least 20 earths in there.
Literally the best computers.
Are you tired of AWS EC2 instances that suck? Or noisy neighbors in GCE? Our cloud doesn't have any of those problems. We don't even have slow storage. We don't have micro instances. We only have the biggest, most badass computers in the galaxy, and you can use them for free. Because that's just how much VC we raised.
The magic of our cloud is that you don't have to provision anything. We don't have all those other damn services like Kinesis and Cloud Functions. You don't need that shit, okay? All you need is your genius brain, a keyboard, a text editor, and a dream. We'll take care of the rust. Just give us your code, okay? Trust us.